Anchored in the shallows, Called to the Deep

I think I am getting a tattoo.

I’m still on the fence, but in the next couple months don’t be surprised if I show up with an anchor tattooed on some part of my body.

Sittin’ on the dock of the bay

I recently realized that for most of my life I have been “Sittin’ on the dock of the bay.” Life wasn’t easy by any means, but I wouldn’t say that I lived a particularly hard or difficult life. I had a storm here or there but nothing serious. I had never felt so abandoned and forgotten about God, until last year. Last year, I prayed desperate prayers. I pleaded with God and nothing. Nothing changed, nope that’s not true, things got worse. I realized my faith wasn’t as strong as I thought it was, I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and I realized God wasn’t coming to save me. My situation was not changing. God had called me out to the deep and left me there to drown. He didn’t really do that, but that is how it felt, like I was drowning. I was in storm after storm, my little boat cast to and fro by the waves in the dead of night. There was the occasional brief breaks in the clouds to see that light does still exist, but nothing but darkness most of my days. My boat capsized a couple times, but somehow I was able to right it. I had nothing to hang on to, I couldn’t trust God, because he didn’t show up. The God of he can do exceedingly abundantly more than I can ask or imagine. Didn’t do anything. He didn’t show up then, he’s not fixing things now, so what’s the point? Why keep going? Why even pray, if I am just going to get ignored?

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

I didn’t understand why last year wrecked my world, made me question by faith, and left me so broken. I know part of it was we were being made uncomfortable so that we would move back home. But, why did God take it so far. I remember a sermons being preached when everything started hitting the fan based on James 1:2-4,  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” I was angry and I didn’t understand how God was just like consider it pure joy all the crap I just let fall in your lap. I still get upset thinking about that sermon, which probably was a great sermon, it just came at the wrong time for me.

Through all of this, I realized that my faith has been built on the wrong foundation. My faith has been built on believing that God can do exceedingly more . This was more than enough for the surface level, dock of the bay, still waters living that I was doing. But, last year, when I got called out into the deep, knowing God can do it wasn’t enough anymore. Because when he didn’t do it my faith was shaken to its foundation. I was left with knowing that God can, but questioning if he would. If he didn’t care enough to save my baby, why would he care enough to do anything else I asked? God can do exceedingly abundantly more that I can ask or imagine, but what happens when he doesn’t do anything. My faith wasn’t built for that. I needed something else to cling to, to fall back on, to anchor myself with. Love. That’s all I have to go on at this point.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Romans 8:28

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I have to look at my situations through a lens of God’s love. If I know God loves me then it doesn’t matter if he answers my prayers, because he works everything out for the good of those that love him. I’m not sure how the two miscarriages and other piles of crap are going to work out for my good, but I can rest in the fact that God loves me. BIG faith requires you to believe that he can, but STEADY faith requires you to rest in his love and submit to his will.

Don’t get me wrong I have still have some BIG faith, but my BIG faith normally doesn’t leave room for or take into account God’s will. Without room for God’s will you may end up in a rough storm begging God to calm the seas, knowing full well that he can and losing your mind not understanding why he won’t. It’s not a fun place. But after it’s all said and done, I can say that I have never grown, matured, lost, and found more in one year than I did last year. Now that I have been refined by one fire, hopefully I will be able to endure the flames of the next without losing hope. I am anchoring myself in God’s love, because that’s the true basis of it all.

Do you have an anchor verse? Let me know what it is down below